We Are All Human.
It’s normal to feel vulnerable when opening up. It takes a lot to get the strength to open up thoughts and feelings that we’ve held in for so long. Keeping it in is safer because it prevents us from getting hurt. But do you really want to live in a safety net your whole life? Despite that fear of hurt, do you want to know why it’s worth the risk? Do you know how much love will encompass you and how connected you’ll feel with a significant other if you bare your soul and show your skeletons? You could find someone who truly knows you and loves and accepts you for who you are.
We are all human. We all have faults. We are all constantly making mistakes and learning from them. Life is full of opportunities for growth. We can learn from our shortcomings and help each other become better versions of ourselves.
Am I too emotional or am I just not finding people to date that are on my emotional level?
The tragic thing is when your hope for something good gets torn away from you out of the blue. The devastating thing is when your feelings are validated and it comes completely out of the blue, and it’s disguised as a lack of compatibility when really it’s just them getting scared and fearing opening up and being so vulnerable with another human being. A lot of us are so used to keeping those thoughts and feelings that are most intimate to us – to ourselves. So it’s understandable that it makes us a little uneasy and it seems easier to give up on something good and not give it a try, so they end it before it potentially doesn’t work out because the other person might not like what we have to say, but you’ll never know unless you open up. How will you build something great, if you can’t open up about your needs and things that bother you? How can you grow together – if you can’t work together on how to meet each other’s needs?
We all have things we are scared to open up about, but sharing communication preferences and frequency of dates, phone calls, and texts is important at the beginning to ensure no one gets burnt out. Don’t ruin a good thing by not communicating.
Is it Me or is it You?
Dating is not easy when you are looking for something serious and a good emotional connection. Not many people are willing to open up and be vulnerable. Somedays I wonder what is wrong with me? Why am I the only one out here that seems to be looking for someone I can open up to and share the good times and the bad times with?
Someone that’ll listen to me vent about my struggles and sadness. Someone who will just sit there and hold me while I cry – knowing that all the support I need is for them to simply be there for me.
I keep getting disappointed when I find someone I feel like I might be able to build a future with, and then out of the blue, they end things because they aren’t willing to bring up their needs. We all have needs! It’s healthy to be able to stand up for ourselves and tell others what we need so we don’t get burnt out.
Do you need “you time”? Voice it!
Are you scared of getting hurt? Share your concerns, so I know why you are being hot and cold and seeming interested whilst also pulling away.
Healthy Communication:
A sign of a healthy relationship is being able to talk things through and listen to each other’s feelings and needs.
Scenario 1:
You: “Hey, your comment about my outfit hurt my feelings. You may have thought you were being funny, but it really hurt me. I can’t take jokes that feel like they are attacking who I am.”
Me: “Oh I’m so sorry. I had no intentions to make you feel bad or attacked. I was just poking fun at you. I had no idea that it made you feel that way. I apologize, and I’ll try my best to not do that again. I really appreciate you telling me. Thank you so much for opening up to me about this. I value your openness and vulnerability to speak up about what bothers you.”
Scenario 2:
You: “Hey, I enjoy spending time with you, and I’m enjoying our time together, but I need time to recharge after social interactions. I don’t want you to think I don’t enjoy our time together and want to continue spending time with you, but for my own well-being, I need to take some more time to care for myself. Also, I feel bad that I’ve been spending more time with you than my puppy. I really need to give him the time and attention he needs right now. I hope you understand where I’m coming from. Do you think we could scale back to one date a week? Lastly, when you send me random texts throughout the day, I feel the need to reply back. I feel like our levels of communication don’t align.”
Me: “Thank you for opening up to me. I had no idea you were feeling that way. You have initiated all of our dates and nightly text check-ins, so I thought you were good with this level of engagement. I’m glad we are able to talk about this. I want what’s best for you. Take all the time you need. I’m absolutely okay with leveling it back. I understand you need to be there with your puppy, and we all are different in our need for alone time. I respect your needs. Also, when I send you random messages throughout the day, I have no expectation for you to respond. When I see something that made me think of you or I want to share with you, I send it along with no expectation of an immediate response or need to start a conversation.”
That is how the conversations should’ve gone. I’m sorry you weren’t able to open up and communicate to me about those concerns. I’m sorry I expected you to be able to communicate at the same level as me. Reflecting upon it, it made me realize you weren’t ready for a serious relationship. It seems like most people aren’t. They don’t want to get deep and bare their souls to each other.
I want that level of communication. That is what I desire and what my soul needs to be happy in a relationship. I don’t want someone to go out to dinner with or bowling with as a way to get out of the house every once in a while. I want someone I can connect with emotionally and feel close to and trust with all my being. I want someone that I can just sit in silence with and know how much we care for each other from a gentle stroke of the arm or a smile from across the room when I use my pet voice to my cats.
I want someone who is not going to leave as soon as things get hard. The strongest relationships are those that share their thoughts and feelings and grow with each other.
I don’t want to back down on who I am. It’s so hard to find people who are willing to open up about more things than sports or the weather. When you opened up about your childhood, I thought we were building a foundation for a good emotional connection. I didn’t think you’d be afraid to open up about what bothered you or what your needs were since you had already shown me glimpses of the inner you and the scars that made you who you are.
I still think you are amazing. I think you have the ability to be vulnerable, but you’re just scared. I can’t do the hard work for you. That’s on yourself to get over that hurdle and fear of emotional intimacy.
If you never decide to jump that hurdle, I still wish you the best, and I hope you find someone that can love you as much as I could’ve. I would’ve never judged you for your thoughts or feelings. You were safe to bare your soul to me. I would’ve wrapped it in a warm embrace.
We are all a little scared and broken. We’ve all gone through things that make us put up walls and be a bit more reserved. You would’ve been safe in my arms. I never intended to hurt you. I’m sorry you weren’t able to break down those walls, so I could give you that warm embrace and make you feel accepted for exactly who you are – unapologetically you. That’s all I would ever want for you to be.
The best relationships are when two independent people come together and value and support each other’s independence, cheer each other on, and are there to support each other’s passions and goals. That can’t happen without communication and opening up.
